i'm so lost.
i had been wasting my time away... with longview by greenday (i got no motivation/ where is my motivation/ no time for motivation/ smoking my inspiration) playing somewhere in the background of my head... and i happen to run across the xangas (i hate them.. thats why im on this joeuser, but they're call out to the time wasters such as me) of some old people i use to know...
they're out living the "ganster" life. it's kinda funny... i remember playing with one during 3rd.. we were pretty close.. i dont think we would even say "hi" if we saw each other...
and im here living the damn whitney (my gay academic magnet school thats really just bull shit) life... and hating it
dont get me wrong. i dont want to be out there with them.. i know damn well i wouldnt fit it.. but what i have isnt me either...
yea yea yea.. its the same teenage melocrap about not being able to know my "purpose" or shit.
i remember talkin to someone.. i forget who... and we said that we were so unhappy cuz life's not meant to look for happiness. life is just to survive. but now in america today, survival is so given, we're just drifting.
but back to the title. i mean... i guess i've been enamored by the cocept of defiance and rebellion for a while now. but... im really fuckin joking myself. i'm the one who goes to the gay ass magnet school, receives half decent grades, have curfew, blah blah blah. but doing all those "delinquent" (as some people from my school would say) shit, thinking ur all gansta, isnt rebelling either. true rebellion is when u know who you are and u fight the society that oppresses you.
i hate the fact that im so trapped by this society. i cant run away and live an itinerant life... living off the good will of other people like the olden days. i have to go to school, get a job, work, die or be named a "useless." there's no way out.
i cant look and see how some people just take it. some do other stuff to take it away.. and some do the other stuff just because. i do it for both. and i hate and love myself for it.
"bite my lip and close my eyes.. take me away to paradise..."
-longview by greenday